You’ve met a guy you really like. He’s sexy, smart, funny, and charming, but you’ve never really had a conversation outside of the bedroom.
You two clearly have a connection and you get along great.
So then why won’t he ask you out on a proper date instead of just hitting you up in the middle of the night for a few minutes of fun?
First off, don’t take it personally. There are plenty of reasons a guy won’t do more than sleep with you. Here are a few of them and what to do if you’re in these specific situations.
He’s afraid of commitment
This is a pretty common reason that guys will sleep with you but not take you out on dates.
You’ll know he’s afraid of commitment if talk of anything serious sends him running but he’s somehow still available for late night booty calls. Or if he avoids any mention of a relationship, romance of all kinds, and non-physical compliments.
This guy is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wouldn’t necessarily make a bad partner but he’s got some things to work past before he can be that for you.
If you’re okay with taking things slow and letting him get comfortable, then this is the best path forward to go from booty call to emergency contact.
He doesn’t respect you
This one is tough to face. Most women won’t sleep with men that they don’t respect. This isn’t the case for many men. I don’t want to stereotype but certain men are driven by looks over personality.
If he doesn’t take you seriously as a person, then he won’t take you seriously as a romantic partner.
You’ll know he doesn’t respect you if he disappears without warning, blows you off and generally acts like your time isn’t worth anything.
Here are some ways to gain his respect:
- Establish clear boundaries
- Don’t give into his every whim
- Showcase your value
- Play hard to get
But in the long run, I advise you to steer clear of guys like this. You want someone who treats you with dignity and respect no matter who you are.
Don’t take it personally. If a guy doesn’t respect you, it says more about him and his relationship with women than it does about you.
He just got out of a serious relationship
With this one, I recommend you talking to him about it. Don’t give him an ultimatum or be too confrontational.
Simply tell him that you know that he’s going through a difficult transition.
You know he needs time to heal and you’re not interested in being just his rebound. Cut things off and tell him that you hope that you two can be together again once he’s had time to sort all this out.
This will both make him afraid to lose you, and show him that you have self-respect. More often than not this will make him come to his senses. But if it doesn’t, then be patient and if he’s really interested in you then he’ll come back to you in time. And when he does, he’ll be ready to treat you right.
He’s still in a serious relationship
How much do you know about this guy? Is he the “strong, silent type”? Do you always meet at your place instead of his?
If he’s keeping a lot to himself it could be because you’re the other woman.
Don’t blow up before figuring out all the facts but make sure you consider the possibility. There are plenty of people out there who keep up multiple relationships at once without their partners ever knowing.
In this situation, I’d advise you to simply get out of there. Don’t try to compete with his girlfriend. Even if you somehow do get him to leave her for you, you’ll always wonder what he’s doing behind your back.
He doesn’t know what you want
I find that many women in this situation have never even talked about it with their guy. This is most often the case when it began as a hookup and just never progressed.
I understand that you’re trying to play it cool and not scare him off but he may be doing the same thing. It’s a shame if what’s keeping you two apart is just fear of rejection on both sides.
For guys like this it can be as simple as asking him out on a real date. This will take things from casual to serious before you know it.
He doesn’t know what he wants
This is even more common. Many people can be dense when it comes to matters of the heart. Guys are often not sure if they want a relationship or not and will avoid making a commitment for this reason. This is actually one of the better reasons that he won’t date you.
You can tell he doesn’t know what he wants if his level of interest goes up and down for seemingly no reason, if he runs hot and cold even when things are going well, or if he seems like an indecisive person who always second guesses himself and his choices.
If he’s not sure of what he wants then it’s up to you to be the confident one in the relationship. Be up front with what you’re looking for from him, how you’d like to be treated, and how you’d like to spend your time.
This kind of self-assuredness is a great way to turn a lover into a boyfriend.
You don’t have anything to offer him
This is especially true for guys who are busy, date a lot, and have a lot of friends. Some men can get the social fulfillment they need from friends, family, and work. If he’s getting his sexual needs fulfilled by you, then what benefit would he get from dating you?
There’s only one way to handle guys who think this way. Cut him off sexually and stop seeing him when the sun is down. This is going to make him take you more seriously. He’s used to getting everything he wants in life. If you hold out on him, it’ll drive him wild.
That can be enough to make him realize how truly special you are.
He knows he can
The simple answer is that many men want sex and nothing else.
Whether the difference is social or biological, men and women are wired differently when it comes to exclusivity.
That’s not to say there isn’t a great guy out there looking for the same thing you are. But plenty of guys don’t look past their desire to sleep around with different women (especially when they’re young).
The trick with these guys is to make it crystal clear that you won’t be his friend with benefits.
Be honest about what you want and don’t let him get away with treating you any differently. You deserve better.
The right guy will realize that if he doesn’t treat you right, he’s going to lose you. And when he understands that, he’ll change his reckless ways.
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