Sex on the first date–it can be exciting, bonding, and a little nerve-wracking–but is it a good idea?
I’ve studied relationships between men and women to help you avoid common pitfalls and build the love life you want. But how does sex fit into this? The truth is having sex on the first date can have an effect on your future relationship, just not in the way you think.
Myths About Sex On The First Date
So much has been said about first date sex. I’m going to smash some myths about sex on the first date and then I’ll give you my personal opinion.
Myth #1: Guys won’t date you if you put out on the first date
Modern dating has really flipped the script on what sex on the first date means. Instead of subscribing to the typical courtship rituals of the past where the woman plays hard to get and the man pursues, modern daters have quite a different view.
Many relationships come together without any traditional dates whereas other relationships never get physical at all. All this disruption means that sex on the first date isn’t the scarlet letter it once was–relationships are much more messy and nuanced than they were in your parents’ day.
Having sex on the first date can affect how your relationship develops though, through no fault of either party. It’s about biology and expectation, more on that later.
Myth #2: Sex on the first date is never satisfying
It’s often said that the first time you have sex is awkward and unsatisfying.
This is used to justify either getting it out of the way so you can find out if you’re truly compatible, or holding off until you’ve formed a strong bond that can overcome this bad first sexual experience.
The truth is that first date sex can be great. This all depends on your level of nerves and compatibility. Bad sex the first time is neither a death sentence nor a given.
Myth #3: There’s no reason not to have sex on the first date
Most dialogue around sex is very black and white. Either sex is the most important thing in the world that will forever change your life or it’s like shaking hands and there’s no reason not to have it early and often.
The truth lies somewhere between these two extremes.
Whether it’s society or biology, sex has weight in interpersonal relationships. It will affect how you feel about each other and how people feel about the two of you, for better or for worse.
So if these are all myths, then what’s the truth?
Should You Have Sex On The First Date?
The truth is, the answer depends on you and your specific situation.
There are no absolutes here. Waiting doesn’t make you a prude and having sex doesn’t make you a slut. But sex does have potential consequences for both you and your relationship.
Here are some questions to consider:
Are you going to be upset if he never calls you again?
This is worst case scenario–you have a nice date, you end up hooking up and then he ghosts.
I don’t care who you are, that doesn’t feel great. But some people are able to shrug this off and move forward while others will feel it more deeply. Which one of these sounds like you?
What is your personal relationship with sex?
This is going to determine the answer for a lot of women.
Know what sex means to you. If it’s something very deeply personal and important then maybe it’s better to wait. If you’re able to have it casually without getting attached then it’s less of a risk emotionally.
Are you interested in a casual relationships?
If you’re not looking for a boyfriend and you feel comfortable then having sex on the first date might be the right choice for you.
If you are looking for something more serious then there really is no rush. You have plenty of time to take this step.
Is this really a date?
If you’ve only known one another for an hour and you’re already hopping into bed then chances are this isn’t about getting to know one another and while you may see each other again, it’ll probably be in more of a horizontal position.
In this current hookup culture I think holding out for a proper date does more for you than withholding sex. As hypocritical as it may be, if you show you’re willing to come over and “watch a movie” at 10 pm then many men won’t take you seriously as a long term girlfriend.
My take? I really think it’s a good idea to wait. Sex can intensify feelings and cloud your judgment. If you’re trying to build a relationship on more than just sex then it’s advisable to wait a few dates before getting physical. Waiting can build anticipation which will strengthen your connection in the long term.
That said, sexual compatibility in relationships is so important that waiting for marriage, or even for an extended period of time, is difficult to recommend.
Whatever your choice, make sure it comes from you. Don’t be pressured one way or the other by society or your date.
If he’s unwilling to wait then he’s not worth your time. If you do decide to have sex, make sure you’re doing it for yourself and not for him. And always practice safe sex.