Your palms sweat, your heart races and your mind fills up with dark thoughts. They call it the green-eyed monster for a reason—Jealousy is the worst. It can consume you, your partner and your relationship if you’re not careful. But how can you stop yourself from obsessing? How can you stop being jealous?
Let’s talk about jealousy–what it is, where it comes from, and how to prevent it so you can stop obsessing.
How To Stop Being Jealous
First, let’s talk about what makes jealousy so toxic. Jealousy shows a lack of trust. If you can’t shake the feeling that your partner is betraying you then that means you don’t trust them.
Since you can’t be around them all the time (nor should you try) this distrust will force a wedge into your relationship.
Jealousy also makes you look desperate and possessive. If you’re coming at them with unfounded accusations or even just giving them attitude when they go out with their friends, it’s going to change how they look at you. You want a relationship driven by love, not fear.
Five Tools To Fight Jealousy
In fact, in some worst cases, fostering an atmosphere of jealousy in a relationship can actually drive your partner away and into the arms of someone else, justifying all your worst fears.
So how can you combat jealousy and keep your relationship together? The answer starts with you. Here are five steps you can take.
1. Think Before You Act
If you’re reading this, you’re aware that you have a problem with jealousy. You can counter this by being mindful and deliberate when you’re feeling jealous. This means recognizing when jealousy rears its ugly head and instead of reacting impulsively, taking a moment to consider your next move.
Keep calm and carry on.
For example. Maybe you can’t get ahold of your boyfriend. He hasn’t texted you since last night and you’re freaking out. Instead of sending him a bunch of texts and phone calls, or preparing a big speech, or stewing in anger and burying your feelings deep down, simply wait.
Remember times when you maybe didn’t text him. Were you cheating on him or were you just busy? Keep this in mind going forward and don’t let yourself spiral into jealousy. When you do decide to call or text him, remember that he hasn’t done anything wrong so give him the benefit of the doubt and keep your cool.
2. Get a second opinion
As with so many relationship problems, conflict comes from a difference of opinion.
If you’re concerned that your boyfriend’s actions are suspicious and that your jealousy may be justified, now is the time to reach out to a third party.
Talk to your friends or family. Be sure it’s someone who you know can give an impartial opinion and make sure you’re honest with them about what’s really going on. Often talking it out is enough for you to wrap your mind around it and your friend can provide helpful insight to help you find the truth.
3. Find the source of the jealousy
Fighting the symptoms of jealousy can only go so far. Jealousy that you keep inside is still very painful and destructive. You need to pull it out at the root. When I have clients who suffer from jealousy I often find that the jealousy they’re feeling has nothing to do with real concerns about cheating or betrayal.
Jealousy is often caused by a feeling of insecurity.
This is perfectly natural. Insecurity can come from anywhere, which is what makes it one of the biggest relationship killers. Often it’s a sign that you feel like he’s out of your league.
This is actually a great problem to have. You have this amazing boyfriend that you feel is way too good for you and instead of enjoying it, you’re letting it drive you crazy.
Reframe the narrative and focus on the fact that you’ve got a man that makes you happy. Trust that he wants to be with you and open your heart to love.
In other cases, insecurity goes back to childhood. Remember that this is simply the scars of the past interfering with your life in the present. Talk therapy can help you work out your issues but recognizing that you’re in this headspace is the first step. I’m proud of you!
And, of course, if you’ve been cheated on in the past then you’re bound to have issues with jealousy.
4. Be open about it.
If you know that it’s going to be a problem then you need to be upfront about your jealousy. This means talking about it.
It’s healthy to talk about your jealousy with your partner in the abstract–it’s when it comes out in the moment that things can get messy and confrontational.
Inform your partner that it’s a problem for you and that you’re working on it.
Let them know you appreciate their patience with you. This honesty and warmth can turn a negative into a moment of connection for you two. This is a conversation better left for a time when things have gotten serious and you’re feeling secure in the relationship. If you’re not there yet, focus on building the bond and take things slow.
5. Work on your relationship
I spoke about how insecurity and disconnection often drive jealousy. That’s why one of the best solutions is to focus on improving your relationship. This refocuses a negative impulse in a positive way.
I’ve made dozens of videos about improving your relationship. If you want a crash course, check out my free video presentation to learn all about my Devotion System. I’ve put together a simple, three step process that can help you and your partner really connect. It’s helped hundreds of women all over the world fall in love with love all over again.