The Real Reason You’re Attracted To Unavailable Men (Make Them Commit)

So you’re noticing a pattern. You meet these unbelievably sexy guys you really like but there’s always something keeping you two apart. You two are a perfect match so why won’t he stick around?

Do any of these describe the man you can’t stop thinking about?

  • He’s always busy with work.
  • He lives far away.
  • He’s an ex that I can’t and shouldn’t be with anymore.
  • He’s in a relationship or married
  • He’s not there for me emotionally
  • He plays games
  • He disappears without warning

If these describe any of your past love affairs then you’ve come to the right place. I’ll tell you why this keeps happening and how to break the cycle and get the guy you want.

Why You’re Hooked On Unavailable Men

There are plenty of reasons that these are the types of guys you attract and are attracted to. I’m going to tell you why these guys keep popping up and how you can avoid getting stuck on them in the future.

You don’t value yourself

This is similar to the reason that girls date bad boys

When girls don’t like “nice guys”, it can often be because you feel like anyone who would treat you well must not be very valuable themselves. This can be because of low self esteem, how we’ve been treated in the past, or any number of factors.

low self esteem in mirror

So when a guy comes along who is ready and willing to be with you, it’s like he’s invisible.

This is a pattern that’s hard to break.

You’re not available

It’s easy to blame the other person and never face our own behaviour. This way we never have to change. But look back at the ways that men can be unavailable. Do any of these apply to you? Are you still hung up on an ex? Are you working 80 hours a week? You want a boyfriend but do you have room for a guy in your life?

You don’t know what you want

There are as many types of relationships as there are guys. Dating a guy who wants something casual when you want marriage is just another way to date someone emotionally unavailable. But even worse, you might not even know what you want. This creates tension between you two because you’re expecting him to not only fulfill your needs, but also to figure out what your needs are.

It’s okay not to know what you’re looking for but if this is your situation then slow down. Stop trying to move things forward. Maybe dating a guy who leaves the country for months at a time IS what’s right for you. Before you push for a commitment, make sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons and that this is something that you really want.

You’re scared

You’re afraid to take the relationship to the next level. As much as you complain that you two can’t be together, there’s some part of you that feels more comfortable this way. If you never get to really be together, you never really have to have your heart broken or risk anything.

This is why you’re attracted to guys who won’t give you the time of day. It’s crazy the lengths our minds will go to to protect us. But when you realize you’re holding yourself back, you can find the strength to move forward.

You’re making excuses

This is a pretty common one as well. It’s possible you’re the one keeping you two apart. If he’s married or won’t return your phone calls, then he’s obviously unavailable but there are plenty of guys who are somewhere in the middle. Don’t let the fact that he got out of a relationship a few months ago or the fact that you two work in the same office be an excuse to avoid trying. Before you give up all hope, make sure you know for sure that it can’t happen.

Break the cycle: STOP dating unavailable men

Well first off, use the tools at your disposal. One important one is my Devotion System Program. It works extremely well on unavailable guys because it was created with them in mind. I’ll teach you what to say and what to do to fill any guy with powerful feelings of love so he can’t even dream of leaving you again. Go to right now.

Do your homework and take things slow

When you meet an amazing guy, before you fall head over heels in love, figure out what his deal is. Get to know him a bit. What does his life look like? Is there room for you in it? Do you two want the same thing?

Don’t interrogate him but ask targeted questions when you have the chance.

woman interviewing a man

If your friends know him, ask them about his romantic past. Do his relationships go down in flames? Has he left a trail of broken hearts in his wake? Or does he never get into a serious relationship?

Next, ask yourself how you much you really know about him? Getting in too deep with a guy you barely know is a great way to end up pining after an unavailable man.

Part of being available is the ability to open up and be vulnerable. Does he keep everything surface level and avoid telling you his true thoughts, and feelings? This is a good sign that he’s emotionally unavailable.

Does he disappear suddenly and then pop up without warning? Before you get too excited about seeing him again, figure out where he went. Did he have a reason to drop off the face of the map or is this maybe another warning sign?

Lots of unavailable guys will only see you on their terms. This means that they pick what you do and when. They don’t give you a lot of notice and they’re unwilling to compromise. If you reach out to him and he blows you off but expects you to be at his beck and call, this is a sign that he’s unavailable.

Work on your self-image

As we covered, one of the big reasons women go for unavailable guys is that we don’t value ourselves. We only accept the love we think we deserve. So if you can build yourself up and improve your own self esteem then you’ll notice a snowball effect.

The more you like yourself, the better guys you’ll attract and the more open you’ll be to guys who you wouldn’t have even considered before.

There are plenty of ways to love yourself and improve your confidence. Just know that this is a long process that doesn’t happen overnight. But here are some possible first steps:


Woman looking into the distance.

There’s a reason that self care is huge these days. Changing up your skincare routine, your makeup or your hair can be the confidence boost you need to start feelings more like yourself.

It’s also a great time to take up a hobby. Feeling ineffective and motionless can quickly become a feeling of worthlessness. Get out there and do something. Hobbies are a great way to get yourself moving and get feelings of accomplishment.

And if you can manage it, do something nice for yourself every day. This can be as simple as watching an episode of a tv show you like, going for a walk, or getting a fancy coffee. These may be things you do anyway but do them mindfully and without guilt or judgment. Tell yourself “I deserve this” and pretty soon you’ll start to feel that way.

Figure out exactly what you want

You need to know what you want before you can get it. Think about your ideal relationship. How often do you want to see one another? How serious is it? How do they support you? Where do you live? What does your life together look like? You don’t need to have a house and white picket fence picked out but if you know the relationship that you want and need then it will be easier to go out there and get it.

Be up front with guys when you first start dating about what you’re looking for. You don’t want to rush into things but it’s okay to speak generally about what you’re looking for out of a relationship. This can avoid a lot of miscommunication and missed expectations.

The Real Reason You're Attracted To Unavailable Men (Make Them Commit)

About Amy North

Amy North is a women's relationship coach and best-selling author from Vancouver, Canada. Her high-acclaimed programs include "Text Chemistry" and "The Devotion System", both of which have helped thousands of women from around the world find (and keep) the man of their dreams.

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