How Can I Stop Sabotaging My Relationship?

So you’re in a relationship, with a great guy and everything seems peachy. Then, slowly but surely you begin picking apart the pieces of your relationship. Maybe you’re doing this because you feel like you deserve better, or perhaps the idea of being so happy scares you. Whatever the reason, if you want to keep your man then you need to stop sabotaging your relationship.

Many times, women unknowingly sabotage their relationship, or without an actual reason for doing so. The truth is that more often than not this type of behaviour is driven by a fear of having what they wanted most, or a fear of losing it.

How To Stop Sabotaging Relationships

The problem with sabotaging behaviours is that they are like poison to the relationship, and often times harm the bond beyond repair. What may have started off as mild or acceptable behaviour, eventually gets to the point of provoking a negative reaction from your partner.

Well this may sound like an obvious outcome, most women who sabotage their relationships don’t deliberately set out to do so, but rather they’re unintentionally destructive.

Before you can ditch your sabotaging behaviours it’s important to first look in the mirror to fully analyze your actions. Only once you have done so can you take responsibility for them. The sooner you do, the sooner you can save your relationship. To get you started, here are some of the most common sabotaging behaviours and some helpful tips for stopping them.

Insecurities: Will this last?

There comes a time in most relationships where you stop and reflect on how happy you are and how great things are going. When this period of reflection comes along, it’s not uncommon for women to start worrying about whether or not it will last.

When you allow these insecurities to creep in you’ll find yourself obsessing over small changes, looking for signs that he’s losing interest, or asking him for reassurance. This kind of doubt will ruin a loving relationship.

To avoid this kind of sabotage, stop focusing on the past or future and learn to enjoy the moment.

Fear of intimacy:  I need you, but I need space too.

When someone new comes into your life it’s important that you make time and space for them. If you are worried that “letting them in” will mean giving up your independence, then you may start to sabotage.

Feeling or fearing the idea of being trapped will lead you to push your partner away. If you want the relationship to last, then talk to your man about your need for space. Balance is key in loving, lasting relationships.

Needing the spotlight: Pay attention to me.

Are you the type of person whose blood boils when your man gives someone else attention, or the kind to rage with jealousy when he talks to another female? Do you get bored or upset when the focus isn’t on you, or have a habit of cutting him off or changing the conversation?

If so, your relationship could be on the brink of destruction. Instead of asking for all of his attention, consider what is reasonable and learn to live with the moments when his focus isn’t on you.

You man needs space and has the right to speak to others. Don’t beg for his attention, instead be happy to be a part of his life.

Pessimism: He can’t do anything right and doesn’t love me.

If you’re the glass half empty type, then your pessimism may be hurting your relationship. If you constantly doubt your partner’s commitment, put down his ideas or make negative comments towards him then keep in mind everyone has a breaking point, and you may be nearing his.

Instead of making him feel like nothing he does or says is good enough, choose to act positively. You have someone who has stuck by your through this rough patch so why not give him a break and put a spin on your attitude.

To help you put an end to your sabotaging behaviour, retrace your steps and to remember what happened before you began reacting. Identify your triggers and consider if and how your past and present situations are similar.

Control: I call the shots

Relationships are built when two individuals come together to create a bond. When only one partner is calling the shots and laying down the rules then the relationship can become a ticking time bomb.

If you have a habit of overtaking plans or telling your partner who they can’t talk to, where they can’t go, or what they can’t be into, then you need to make some changes, fast! Instead of taking the reigns realize that before your relationship your man was his own person with his own set of characteristics and interests. Don’t take those away from him.

To put an end to this type of sabotaging behaviour it’s important that you stay focused and take baby steps – remember that change takes time. You may slip up here and there, but hang in there and keep trying. A helpful tip is to focus on couples who have overcome similar challenges.

RELATED: How Can I Find Lasting Love?

If you’re interested in learning more tips for communicating with your partner, then click here to watch Relationship Expert, Brad Browning’s free video presentation. Here you will learn the things you need to do to make him fall deeply in love with you, all over again.

Defensiveness: It’s not my fault.

Do you find yourself constantly on edge, defending yourself or justifying your actions? If so, you may be blocking the passage to clear, constructive communication. Instead of getting your knickers in a twist anytime your man says something to you, find it in you to openly listen to what he is saying before you launch into defence mode.

If you’re unable to even consider the situation before you react then your man is going to feel like he’s up against a wall.

The first step to breaking this habit is noticing this behaviour in yourself. You may be able to find the roots of your behavior, or you may not. But just noticing will help you to change your ways and save your relationship.

Breaking Trust: Keeping secrets and double standards.

Have you ever kept your partner in the dark about information that would hurt them, or withdrew information that could have influenced their life? If you answered “yes,” then you have betrayed your partner’s trust.

In healthy relationships both partners are on the same team and want what’s best for one another.

If you’re living a double standard or in a secret way that your partner would not approve of, then your relationship is in jeopardy. Breaking trust like this is never a good idea. If you’ve been testing the waters then it’s time to swim back to shore.

Afraid to move on? Stuck in the past? Dealing with breakups and past trauma is always difficult but always worth it. Seek professional treatment if you’re having trouble and do your best to be honest and open so you can move forward. Then, and only then, will you be ready to love again.
How Can I Stop Sabotaging My Relationship?

About Amy North

Amy North is a women's relationship coach and best-selling author from Vancouver, Canada. Her high-acclaimed programs include "Text Chemistry" and "The Devotion System", both of which have helped thousands of women from around the world find (and keep) the man of their dreams.

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